Me: “Look! I’m in disguise!”
Husband: “What as, a normal person?”
For the last, oh, month nearly, I’ve not wrapped. I’ve not had the energy to. I went to my child’s school play with my hair down, jeans and a nice top, ladies boots, makeup: in disguise. I didn’t have the energy to be myself.
I’ll be honest, I kind of enjoyed it at first. Blending in, not being noticed as Other.
Because that’s what I am: I am Other.
I’m not normal. I’ve never been ‘normal’; I’m autistic. I’ve been a hippy, a metalhead, a goth, a cybergoth, a weird frumpy religious looking person, a plain weird mismatched clothes person, or at the very least, slightly quirky.
Most of the time, I like my outward appearance to be a bit different. I want – no, need – people to know I’m a bit different before they interact with me. I’d rather they think I’m weird and then realise I’m fairly normal, than think I’m normal and then realise I’m odd. I normally own my weirdness, because it’s me, it’s mine, and without it I’d be someone different.
It’s a horrible place to be in where you don’t even have the energy to be true to yourself. And then, obviously, I lost myself. I didn’t feel right, and I didn’t know why, and it’s been going on best part of a month.
This morning, I got dressed earlier than normal, and I felt a strong tug to wearing a long skirt instead of my jeans. And somehow I knew that today I would veil again.
It’s hard to describe the difference in feeling the right clothes (and scarf) make. How can something be so subtle yet so definitive at the same time? You know when you’re trying to fit an awkward object together and it’s so close to working out right but you just can’t get it? And then you move one piece a fraction in the right direction and then – ah, there it is. Perfect. It’s like that.
So, I’ve gone from wondering if I’ll get back into veiling again, to slipping back into it like I’d never left. And – as if by magick – my connection to my spirit has been restored. I prayed to Hekate for the first time in a long time today.
And it is magick – veiling is part of my identity as a pagan, my identity as a witch. It’s become a mundane part of my life, but to forego it is to remind me that it’s anything but mundane really.
As with last year, my wrapiversary came and went without fanfare or – even – recognition. But here I am, into my third year, and still wearing my headscarf. Long may it continue.